When basic human interaction is swamped in bile. When the person who is sitting across from you has been warped beyond recognition by countless semi-translucent layers of painful memories. When all hope has been bled. When even the most basic trust is as unreachable as a pearl in the Sahara from an ice station in the Antarctic. What then is there for two people who committed there lives together?
Conversely does finding refuge in the Law if not create then certainly fuel the demolition that creates the aforementioned?
I think I’ve discovered the practical upshot of the loathing I described earlier. Loathing, of course, not good in any relationship and certainly not what Dr. Phil would put at the top of the ingredients for a successful marriage. However, I have discovered that it is really difficult to get anything communicated let alone completed when loathed.
Emailing worked for awhile but of course emails are easily misinterpreted or maligned because of the lack of tone of voice, body clues etc. But then good old conversation has its own problems because of body cues, tone of voice etc.
Semaphore and Vulcan mind meld I’m guessing would also be a problem when you’re loathed.
That’s how lawyers come up – we can’t talk to each other so we’ll hire someone and three hundred dollars an hour to do it for us.
Lawyers are fine people. Some of my best friends…. Blah, blah etc. etc. But really if we get lawyers involved at this early in the game in an adversarial environment we’ll end up with nothing to actually split up. We will obviously need professional legal advice in making sure we ultimately reach some sort of settlement that is good for our children and ourselves and is fair.
But the Leaver has to get over the loathing before we deal with all of that or it may become mutual. I finally had to just confront the issue head on – her anger, hatred, spleen etc. We will have a relationship for the rest of our lives after all. If we build the relationship on this nastiness we will always be an adversarial stance. The alternative is to cooperate, work it out together. But the latter requires trust. I’m thinking we can have the law serve us and protect us when we figure out what we want. There’s no real rush. Lets try out our custody arrangement and support arrangement see if it works for both of us and then adjust. The law and experts will have to resolve some things because we’re not experts, we’re not specialists and that’s what those folks are for. But if we rely on them right from the get go. On every basic point, not only will be a lot poorer for it money wise but we’ll be bankrupt of trust and goodwill pretty damn fast and we will need both.
These are the most important decisions of our life. Our law dictates that we cannot get a divorce until at least a year after separation. Well then let’s take full advantage of that. Lets research this, see what we think is right, see what we want, seek professional advice and take our time.
But I realize those words could be interpreted as manipulative, strategic, stalling tactics for some backhanded maneuvering. Just imagine “Trust in Me,” from the Jungle Book while you read that paragraph.
You have to have some trust. Or you go to the law.
The good news is, I think, we’ve agreed to try the former for awhile first before the latter. The law will absolutely have to be a part of the solution in the end. But perhaps not immediately the demolition in our beginning.